Posted 7 years ago on September 9th, 2016
NON-WORK RELATED HYPOCRISY
The other day, as I walked from Great Portland Street to Oxford Circus tube, I nipped in through Miss Selfridge and Top Shop as a sort of short cut that isn’t really a short cut, to look at too expensive bags and too expensive sunglasses, when a very small man with Mazola in his hair walked past me surrounded by bodyguards.
He had the air and demeanour of a local councillor who thinks he’s more powerful than he is, or a former mayor of a small town who was sacked for corruption but got used to the chain and the robes and the respect and so pretends he is still the mayor, even though he isn’t, and everyone indulges him because he can be a nasty piece of shit when he loses his temper and wees on anyone who tells him he’s not the mayor.
And anyway, what does it matter if he thinks he’s the mayor or not?
Anyway, I after all these thoughts I realised the small man was the knighted Sir Philip Green, so I shouted “Pay your taxes” at him and went to look at some backpacks. Then the biggest man I’ve ever seen in my life was on me in seconds, telling me to leave the shop. I said, “Under what law are you removing me from the shop?” and he said “Trespassing.”
I then said that the situation was ridiculous and that he could call the Police if he wanted to and I’d tell them that all I did was say 3 words to a heavily-protected man and then moved on and that it would be a gross misuse of Police time and that I didn’t even want to be in the shop as I was just using it as a short cut anyway but that he’d overreacted so much and was so intimidating that I felt compelled to see how far the whole ridiculous thing would go and he said, ” I will call them. Wait here.” And he got two large and confused security guards to stand over me as he went off to get the rozzers.
After about 5 minutes of non-speaking awkwardness and smiling, another very nice man came up and said that I could either leave the shop or carry on browsing, whatever I wanted, and that everything was cool. And that was the end of that.
And yes I am a total hypocrite for calling out SPG for tax avoidance at the same time as lining his pockets by buying Top Shop Mom jeans, but they’re the only jeans that suit my body shape. I’m sure you understand.
Here are some extra gigs I’ll be doing, on top of tour and Leicester Square Theatre dates.
Please come along. Some are for charity and some haven’t sold that well.
September 14th – Union Chapel Benefit with brilliant bill. TICKETS
September 18th – Royal Shakespeare Company, Stratford-upon-Avon
I’ll be doing my latest show. It’s very exciting for me to be performing my own show on this stage. My younger drama school self would not believe this. PLEASE COME. TICKETS
September 26th – Happy Mondays, Amersham Arms, New Cross (circuit gig)
1st October – Laugh East Comedy Festival, Jubilee Hall, Aldeburgh, 6.30pm TICKETS
14th October – Laugh 4 Leukemia, Kings Place – brilliant bill here, please come – TICKETS
19th November – Cabinet of Wonders, Cecil Sharpe House- TICKETS
This is an amazing night with an incredible line-up. Everyone does a short set. I don’t know what I will do.
BECAUSE YOU DEMANDED IT (PREVIOUSLY ENTITLED MORTAL) – LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE AND TOUR
Thanks so much for coming to see the show in Edinburgh, called Mortal, which was originally supposed to be about death and mortality. I hope the fact that I changed the whole thing to be about Brexit wasn’t too confusing or annoying for people.
The new show is called Because You Demanded It and will be at Leicester Square Theatre FOR AGES, and then touring.
PLEASE BOOK NOW!!!!!
September and October LST dates now sold out, but I have absolutely loads more dates so please come.
It is a MASSIVE room to fill. I will be adding new bits and taking old bits out I expect, so there’s every chance by the time the January/Feburary dates kick in, it’ll be quite different. Or it might not be. Who knows?
Tuesday 31st – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Wednesday 1st – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Thursday 2nd – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Friday 3rd – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Saturday 4th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Monday 6th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Tuesday 7th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Wednesday 8th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Thursday 9th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Friday 10th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
Saturday 11th – ‘Because You Demanded It‘ – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – TICKETS
TATA AND PEACE AND LOVE UNTIL NEXT MONTH!!!!!!