CHRISTMAS GREETINGS EARTHLINGS!!!
Posted 5 years ago on November 26th, 2015
Here is my festive newsletter.
I won’t have time write one next month as I’ll be all tied up with baubles and eating and glittering up my cat’s tail, like a cat’s tail version of the festive beard.
George Osborne has scrapped his plans to explicitly make the working poor worse off via tax credit cuts, because even posh twats thought it was a disgusting idea, and so is now just going to do it in a more discreet, gradual way, as per normal. Oh yes, and he isn’t ending VAT on sanitary products because he couldn’t secure agreement from all EU member states, who called him a pussy-whipped Gaylord for even considering it.
However, the £15m in tax us women raise from bleeding out of our fannies once a month is going to be spent on women’s health and charities. How thoughtful and kind of The Chancellor to make us pay for ourselves. Genius bit of spin, that. Hopefully there won’t be any weird Tory clauses whereby women who don’t have periods (due to their age or an ongoing health condition and who therefore don’t currently pay the tampon tax but have done so in the past), aren’t turned away from women’s refuges or refused help. Hopefully we won’t have to actually menstruate down our legs in front of someone official in order to justify the state helping us to flee abuse. Also, this REALLY makes me want to know WHAT THAT MONEY HAS PREVIOUSLY BEEN SPENT ON. If it’s anything to do with rugby, football or International Men’s Day, there will be some big shit going down.
My hair hasn’t been “quite right” for a couple of years now and I couldn’t work out why. I knew that my skull and forehead hadn’t changed shape, so I set about trying to work out what the problem was, and by God, I think I’ve cracked it.
Right. Here we go. Strap yourselves in for a hair-related revelation.
My fringe hair is quite thin (as oppose to my head hair, which is quite thick). In order to achieve the thick, blunt cut fringe that I ask for, my hairdressers take a bit of hair from my actual head hair and guide it forwards. This is all very well and good in theory, but the end result is that my fringe starts from too far back and therefore is too flat and long. It’s just not right for me. So what I need to do, is grow it all out, and then colour in my forehead with a brown felt tip. Yes, that’s the solution. I’m going to look absolutely STUNNING.
LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE – A BOOK FOR HER LIVE SHOW AND BOOK SIGNING – EXTRA DATES ADDED!!!
Thanks to everyone who’s come so far!! Mondays and Tuesdays still have plenty of tickets but weekends sold out so they’ve put some more in. 2nd and 8th January. COME ON!!!! YOU’LL BE FEELING AWFUL ABOUT YOURSELVES AFTER BINGEING ON YULE LOGS. Come on down and I’ll cheer you up with my new fringe. TICKETS HERE
RADIO 4 CHRISTMAS SPECIAL – CHRISTMAS EVE 6.15PM
Radio 4 gave me my own Xmas Special, which was very kind. There are lots of men in it and they are all brilliant. There is a twist to this programme friends, just so you’re aware. I am very much looking forward to the inevitable confusion this show will cause to middle Englanders unfamiliar with my work.
SAM SIMMONS CHRISTMAS CRACKER – SKY – TX TO FOLLOW
This was SO much fun! Keiran Hodgson, Mike Wilmot, Sam and Matt King made me laugh so much I nearly got sick. Especially Keiran, who hadn’t said anything for AGES and then had to say the word “ham” in isolation and out of context. It might actually be my moment of the year.
A BOOK FOR HER – THE BOOK
Remember – you can buy this for Christmas pressies !
EXTRA GIGS AND 2016 TOUR DATES TO BE ANNOUCED SOON
19 December – Scroogenomics gig at Rich Mix (link)
Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for your ongoing support this past year.