Helloooo !! It’s me!!!!!!
I went down the rapids in Centerparcs last week and cut my knuckle a bit. It’s not a massive cut, it looks more like a tiny bite, but it’s perfectly placed which means I can say things like, “You should see the other guy” and things like that to anyone that notices it. No-one has yet but I’m sure they will before it heals up.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened. The rapids at Centerparcs aren’t what you’d call a “hair-raising ride” but there is one quite fast bit and as I going round one bend of it a big silly dad who was pretending to be a great laugh crashed into me from behind with his big foot and I sort of put my hand out to rescue myself and grazed it on the fake rock bit. Then, as we continued down the slide, being swished about like stupid old people he apologised and then I said, “No bother at all! It’s par for the course isn’t it haha?!” then just as we were about to be dragged under water for the “Rapids Finale” I said, “See you on the other side” but he’d already been dragged under and didn’t hear.
Oh, while we’re in the pool, I’ll just mention something else. I realised just before we went swimming that I had some pubic hair coming out of my swimming costume (that was on me, I mean, I don’t mean I bought a swimming costume that had some pubic hair already sewn into it – although I’m sure if someone at Gucci or Prada or who lives in Dalston is reading this we’ll be seeing them on the catwalk very soon). Now, I like pubic hair very much, especially in salads, but at Centerparcs, if you got even a couple of strands of hair coming out of your swimming costume everyone stares at your vagina like they can’t believe it and it’s really annoying, so before we left I grabbed the massive blunt scissors from the Centerparcs badly stocked cutlery drawer and snipped off the offending gatecrashers. When I say “it all” there wasn’t enough for a full beard. You wouldn’t be able to disguise yourself with it. If you were on the run, let’s say, and you saw it on my kitchen floor, broke in, scooped it all up in a dust pan and brush, along with all the crumbs and peas and bits of crisps and then glued it to your face, we’d still know it was you.
Oh, and just in case any feminists who still like me are annoyed at my hair removal shenanigans, I did this FOR ME! Also it was a feminist act because I made my young son clear it all up.
I also did some indoor climbing which I enjoyed, and was given a genuinely interesting lesson on why bread is so bad for ducks by the very nice cashier in ParcMarket.
I am genuinely excited about doing a new show, going back up to Edinburgh and touring, so please come along.
I’ve missed you all!
Here’s a bunch of work in progress shows to fix it all up. – https://sohotheatre.com/shows/bridget-christie-wip/ (more to follow)
And here’s my Edinburgh dates – https://www.thestand.co.uk/shows/1016-bridget-christie-who-am-i/
And here’s my tour dates. With more to come (not all on sale yet).
Friday 4th September 2020 – 7:30 pm – Playhouse, Oxford – TICKETS
Saturday 5th September 2020 – 7:30 pm – Playhouse, Oxford – TICKETS
Wednesday 16th September 2020 – 7:30 pm – Theatre Royal, Winchester – TICKETS
Thursday 17th September 2020 – 7:30 pm – Octagon, Yeovil – TICKETS
Friday 18th September 2020 – 8:00 pm – Corn Exchange, Exeter – TICKETS
Thursday 24th September 2020 – 7:30 pm – Drill Hall, Lincoln – TICKETS
Friday 25th September 2020 – 8:00 pm – Broadway Theatre, Letchworth – TICKETS
Thursday 1st October 2020 – 7:30 pm – Edge Arts Centre, Much Wenlock – TICKETS
Friday 2nd October 2020 , Aberystwyth Comedy Festival – TICKETS
Saturday 3rd October 2020- Y Theatre, Leicester – TICKETS
Thursday 8th October 2020 – 7:30 pm – Pavillion, Worthing – TICKETS
Friday 9th October 2020 – 8:00 pm – Playhouse, Norwich – TICKETS
Friday 16th October 2020 – 8:00 pm – Lowry, Salford – TICKETS
Sunday 18th October 2020 – 7:30 pm – City Varieties, Leeds – TICKETS
Thursday 22nd October 2020 – 7:30 pm – Georgian Theatre, Richmond – TICKETS
Saturday 24th October 2020 – 7:30 pm – Brewery Arts Centre, Kendal – TICKETS
Friday 6th November 2020 – 7:30 pm – McMillan Theatre, Bridgwater – TICKETS
Saturday 7th November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Cranleigh Arts, Cranleigh – TICKETS
Wednesday 11th November 2020 – 8:00 pm – Gala Theatre, Durham – TICKETS
Saturday 14th November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Chorley Theatre, Chorley – TICKETS
Thursday 19th November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Haymarket, Basingstoke – TICKETS
Friday 20th November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Junction, Cambridge – TICKETS
Saturday 21st November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Junction, Cambridge – TICKETS
Sunday 22nd November 2020 – 7:30 pm – Dome, Brighton – TICKETS
Thursday 26th November 2020- Darwen Library Theatre, Blackburn – TICKETS
Friday 27th November 2020- Darwen Library Theatre, Blackburn – TICKETS
Thursday 3rd December 2020 – 7:30 pm – Quarterhouse, Folkestone – TICKETS
I had a very small part in Sex Education that was cut. The reason it’s genuinely very funny is that it was the first job I’ve had from an audition since I left drama school in 1997.
I will be in another show I love though, and it’s an even smaller part than the part in Sex Ed. What I’m aiming for is to get smaller and smaller parts. So I’ll start off saying a few lines, then one or two words, then you just hear my voice, but I’m off camera so you don’t see me. Then you see me but I don’t have any lines, then I get further and further back in shots until I’m really tiny and far away. My ambition is to be in the distance, but not so far away that you can’t recognise me, waving to the camera, in loads of different TV shows and films. I think that’d be really great, especially after I’ve died.
I’ve got really dry hair at the moment. I think it’s all the moisture in the air.
Got a couple of nice coats in the sale in Zara.
Apparently running trainers are a complete rip off.
Marmite Peanut butter is very naughty indeed. I think I might have a bit of a problem. Had a whole jar in one day.
Honestly, just do your best and be nice, I think.
See you at a show!