Good day subscribers!
Thank you very much for coming to the new show in Edinburgh. I hope you all managed to get in.
Sorry if you had to stand up for an hour, like I had to.
I think that in future I’ll do my shows lying on a Chaise Longue and do the whole thing in profile, only looking at you once or twice. Would you like that? Or would it seem disrespectful? Please don’t let me know your thoughts.
If you didn’t manage to get in, no worries, I’m off on tour from next week, then at Soho Theatre for 3 weeks from 3 November, so you can come then if you fancy it please.
All dates with links to buy tickets are on the old website. Thank you.
Please apply for tickets before people who don’t like me or laughing snap them up. Hurry please. Here’s the link.
I got home from the shops today and there was a dead baby rat in the hallway next to my alive cat. I don’t think the rat decided to die right next to my cat. I think the cat did it.
I’m not keen on all this indoors deadery I have to say, but I’m very glad it wasn’t alive.
I don’t like rats at all. Not even a little bit. I haven’t seen one dressed up though.
Perhaps one of you could digitally alter a picture of a rat to make it look eccentric and fun and send it to me. It may help. I really don’t like them at all, you see.
To date, I have had to deal with the following dead things in my house:-
1 blackbird (on the stairs), 5 pigeons (doorstep, kitchen and hallway), 1 squirrel, separated into 3 sections with no head, feet or tail (living room – remember that one?!), countless mice and once, a tiny birds egg, intact, which was the worst one to be honest.
Boo (the cat) was batting it very gently around the kitchen floor. He was playing with it so nimbly that I considered getting him a partner, a small table, a net and 2 tiny bats, so that he could play table tennis with it.
I didn’t do that though, I wrapped it up and put it in the basket on the back of my bicycle.
Don’t ask me why I did that. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s still there.
That was back in May. I think it probably would’ve hatched by now if it was going to.
I came downstairs this morning and there was a nearly-dead enormous-bodied moth at the bottom of the stairs in the hallway, next to my cat.
I don’t think the moth decided to slowly die next to my cat.
I think the cat played with it for a bit (because he couldn’t find any of my wire pipe cleaners that he likes to bat around), which resulted in the moth sustaining serious injuries.
I think that my cat then enjoyed watching it shuffling around in circles. I judged my cat for this, even though, as an animal, he is beyond judgement.
Sorry. I realise this newsletter has been a bit morbid. Hopefully October’s will have less death in it.
SEE YOU ABOUT!