I hope I don’t die as a result of apocalyptic weather conditions or Islamic fundamentalism this year.
I chucked 3 mince pies in the bin today. I’m ashamed of the waste, but they were starting to feel like my long- dead partner’s jackets, hanging in the wardrobe. I need to move on now – from Christmas, and that twat.
I made that up by the way. All of my ex partners are still alive.
My cat is too fat. We’ve all been feeding him, thinking no-one else is, because he keeps meowling all time as if he’s dying of starvation, but he’s been totally having us all on.
My jaw is killing me from trying to finish off all the children’s Halloween sweets.
I tried a face mask for the first time in my life last night. As it started to harden, I began to panic. I thought I was having some sort of face stroke or something, or that my “face nerves” were having an allergic reaction to the ingredients. It didn’t say on the packet that my face would freeze up! They seriously need to tell people I think. If I was old and a face mask virgin, I might’ve perished. It was a menthol flavour as well, so it was stinging and paralysing me at the same time. It reminded me of the time when I accidentally got some chewing gum stuck on my vagina. Never get anything minty stuck on your nether regions, especially toothpaste or chewing gum, because it really stings. By the way, no-one else was involved in this incident. It was one of those freak accidents. I might write about it at some point, but I don’t want to go into it now. By the way, I am very proud to have reached the age of 44 and not know what face masks do. However, I am so impressed with the 69p face mask, that I have now booked myself in for a full face lift with a top cosmetic surgeon.
MARKS & SPENCER
Their clothes are shit and boring and so the bloke in charge has quit.
Some unknown Labour bloke resigned live on television and no-one cared.
Diane Abbott wore a nice jacket with leather arms on Newsnight.
Corbyn seems to be the same person he was just before he was elected as Labour leader.
Boris Johnson said something about education I agreed with on the radio.
Cameron is a stupid twat. So is Osborne.
Hilary Benn seems nice enough doesn’t he? Normal. Inoffensive.
Where is Nigel Farage? Has anyone seen him?
I liked the Star Wars film but hated James Bond, which was shit.
War Horse is the best thing I’ve seen since Black Watch.
It was too hot and so my Ceanothus in the front garden flowered, thinking it was spring. Now it’s cold, because it’s winter. I apologise to it every time I pass it, which is a lot of times every day. I hope it can be bothered to flower again. I saw a flying ant on my bedroom window. A lady (who’d lost her business and home in the floods) and who was speaking at the Environment Agency meeting before MP’s, pointed out that mussels are better protected from floodwaters than people in her town.
A BOOK FOR HER – LEICESTER SQUARE THEATRE – EXTRA EXTRA DATES!!! PLEASE COME!!!!
Thanks very much for coming to the run in November, and to the extra couple of dates. They’ve put more dates on now so please spread the word. It’s a big room and I don’t have much time to flog it! I won’t be doing the show again in London so please tell friends and family you think might enjoy it.
TOUR – A BOOK FOR HER
This is to coincide with the paperback release of A Book for Her, and I’ll be coming to a town near you. I’ll be doing the show (A Book for Her) that you won’t have seen (unless you saw it in to Edinburgh or London) and I’ll be signing copies of the paperback so it would be nice to meet some of you. Book early to avoid disappointment. All dates here.
There are a bunch of charity gigs for very good causes and extra circuit gigs on the website too.
8th – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 9.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – TICKETS
15th – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 7.15pm – A BOOK FOR HER – TICKETS
22nd – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 7.15pm – A BOOK FOR HER – TICKETS
14th – Stand Up For Refugee Crisis – Union Chapel (from 6.30pm) with Daniel Kitson, Aisling Bea, Tim Key & More – TICKETS
29th – Guest on Jon Ronson’s ‘Mysteries’ Show – Leicester Square Theatre – 7.15pm – TICKETS
5th – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 7.15pm – A BOOK FOR HER – TICKETS
6th – Leicester Square Theatre, London – 7.15pm – A BOOK FOR HER – TICKETS
‘A BOOK FOR HER’ – SPRING TOUR 2016 – DATES BELOW
8th – Rambert Studio, Southbank Centre, LONDON – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0207 960 4200 TICKETS ON SALE SOON
9th – The Lowry, Salford Quays, SALFORD – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0843 208 6010 TICKETS
10th – Lakeside Arts, NOTTINGHAM – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0115 846 7777 TICKETS
14th – Citizen’s Theatre, GLASGOW (COMEDY FESTIVAL) – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0844 873 7353 TICKETS
15th – The Stand, NEWCASTLE – 8.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0844 693 3336 TICKETS
16th – The MAC, BELFAST – 7.45pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 028 9023 5053 TICKETS
17th – Warwick Arts Centre, COVENTRY – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 02476 524524 TICKETS
21st – Everyman Theatre, LIVERPOOL – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0151 709 4776 TICKETS
22nd – The MAC, BIRMINGHAM – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0121 4463232 TICKETS
13th – Memorial Hall, SHEFFIELD – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0114 2789 789 TICKETS
14th – WYP Courtyard, LEEDS – 7.45pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0113 213 7700 TICKETS
18th – Gulbenkian Theatre, CANTERBURY – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01227 769075 TICKETS
19th – Corn Exchange, EXETER – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01392 665938 TICKETS
20th – Ropetackle Arts Centre, SHOREHAM BY SEA – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01273 464440 TICKETS
21st – The Dukes, LANCASTER – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01524 598500 TICKETS
25th – The Junction, CAMBRIDGE – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01223 511511 TICKETS
26th – The Stables, WAVENDON, MILTON KEYNES – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01908 280800 TICKETS
27th – North Wall Arts, OXFORD – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01865 319450 TICKETS
28th – Theatre Severn, SHREWSBURY – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01743 281281 TICKETS
3rd – The Mercury, COLCHESTER – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01206 573948 TICKETS
4th – Playhouse, NORWICH – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01603 598598 TICKETS
5th – Tobacco Factory, BRISTOL – 8pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0117 9020344 TICKETS
9th – Sugar Club, DUBLIN – 8.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0818 903001 TICKETS
10th – Sugar Club, DUBLIN – 8.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 0818 903001 TICKETS
12th – Corn Exchange, BRIGHTON – 7.30pm – A BOOK FOR HER – 01273 709 709 TICKETS ON SALE SOON